three six five

i miss you

(taken from pinterest)

ice cold skin
oxygen mask
scent of disinfectant
the distant beeping
of a monitor
everyone was taking
turns to say
goodbye

i laugh at my foolishness
that i’ll see you tomorrow
that you’ll bounce back
like you did before
when that room
was the last
i saw you
alive

you took your
last breath
in the presence
of your three
priceless jewels
how has it
already been
a year since?

you were a caring soul
mother of three sons
grandmother to five
food was your
love language—
you loved to see
us eating

you were a pillar
a protector
when the father
of your children
left the world

now what’s left
of your legacy
are pictures—
beautiful eyes
luscious hair
and an elegant
smile

i blame covid
for taking you
away from us
but i’m glad
you recognised me
until the very
end

i’ll never forget
sitting next to you
watching you sleep
watching you eat
watching you draw
in your pink
hospital gown—
you were worth
every single minute

i didn’t mind
the hospital became
my second home
their food court was
my lunch spot
the evening rush was
nothing much

i witnessed the
light in your eyes
slowly dim as
you slept more
and more

i’ll never eat your
chicken macaroni soup
or stir fry noodles
or fried rice
ever again

i’ll never hear you
call my nickname
or call my dad’s
or your contagious laugh
ever again

i’ll never see you
or touch you
or hold you
ever again

at least now
you’re not hurting
or suffering
anymore

what pains me
the most is
i never got to
tell you
my very last
i love you.

---

亲爱的啊嫲，
时间过的好快，已经到了您的纪念日了。这一年来，有找到阿公吗？有吃很多好吃的食物吗？我们一家平安，只是有点不习惯缺您过年。每次看上蓝天都会想起您，在天上有在照顾我们，对吧！好想念您给我的拥抱，鼓励和美食，我绝对不会忘记。希望您现在不再痛苦，就开开心心地过生活吧。我爱你。

author’s note: dealing with grief while i was in the midst of preparing for my exams felt like one of the worst periods of my life — i couldn’t focus on studying after my dad broke the news that she had passed. i still hold fond memories of her, and i’m eternally grateful to have had someone as selfless as her as my grandmother. grief is hard, and i’m sending hugs to anyone who’s going through something similar themselves.