where to now?

this feels like the end with no start line in sight.

i took the elizabeth line to heathrow airport two days ago, when this thought hit me: i’m heading back to my reality that i’m not so sure i have control over anymore. people say that vacation is an opportunity to experience a life outside of your own, even if it’s just temporary. indeed i did, the european infrastructure and way of life will remain one of my favourite experiences. this trip was special in a way because i received not one, not two, but three university rejections in the span of a week. i’ll have to partly blame the permanent state of tiredness stemming from jet lag and our average step count of at least 20k steps per day for preventing me from fully grasping the consequences of the said rejections.

honestly, i saw this coming. but anticipation doesn’t necessarily take away the emptiness, grief and helplessness after seeing ‘unsuccessful’ with my two eyes. i think the tipping point was when i read the decision letter for my dream school. my hands were itching with nothing to do on the tube back to the hotel, and i logged into the application portal to be met with the decision letter. i’ve never extensively imagined myself attending the other two schools i received rejections from, but my dream school was a whole other deal. readers who have been here with me from the start would know, i’m an absolute sucker for linguistics and psychology. its simply fascinating to study language with a scientific lens, especially the processes of language acquisition and various communication deficiencies. i’ve had this goal since my first semester in polytechnic, and i had my eyes set on this school for as long as i could remember.

all at once, i was stripped of my dream double major, my desired academic progression, and the university life that could’ve been.

no matter how many times i tell myself that as long as i’m a university student somewhere, there will always be a chance for doors to open in my favor, i feel empty. what i feel now reminds me of the burnout i struggled with last year, but if last year’s was because of uncertainty, this one’s because of the finality. one way to know i’m emotionally exhausted is if i tear up over a motivational song, and i sure did shed silent tears on the flight back home.

another thing i’m absolutely loathing is admission talk with my cousins. my same-aged cousins got into my dream university, and i don’t think i can survive being in that conversation with a smile on my face. one of them posted about how she’s excited to start applying for dorms, and wow was that a tearjerker! when i met them a couple months back, she asked why she hasn’t heard anything about my admission decisions (my other cousin definitely told her the moment he got offers, PLURAL.). i didn’t really know why it was so hard for me to open my mouth and say no, i didn’t get anything, until i came across one of emily ha’s shorts where she shared she didn’t like talking about college. it hit me then that i, too, found college talk a sour topic. it’s downright uncomfortable being the only one not accepted by the renowned local universities in the family when i’ve been the high flyer all my life. while my aunts, uncles and cousins are most likely asking out of curiosity, every question about whether i got into xxx university feels like a dagger to my heart. and then there’s the assumption that i can get in. it feels like i’m relieving the moment i read the rejection letters every time. i’m certainly not doing that to myself when my birthday is just round the corner, i owe that to myself.

with the admission decisions back from the major local universities, it’s finally the end of a long-drawn fight of anxiety and self-assurance. with every end comes a new beginning, but i truly don’t know where that will be. university admissions occupied a huge part of my life ever since my second year of polytechnic when the possibility of not making it to university started creeping in. my mind knows that i still have a few more to wait on, but my heart aches for what could’ve been. will i ever be able to chase the dream life i envision for myself? will i ever get over this crippling disappointment?

hopefully i’ll be able to look back at this period of myself with a light heart. until then, i’ll try to stay afloat.