a life after us

bittersweet.

(taken from pinterest)

it’s a bit insane to think that i last reached out to him over a year ago. even until now, i still don’t know how and why i got those surges of courage to be thick-skinned and try my luck time after time. every single silence of yours should’ve been good enough a reason for me to stop and close this chapter, even if i had to do it forcefully. i guess what i feared more than your silence is the regret of not trying more.

yesterday, i came across a tarot reading video which said that on the 22nd of february, a love portal will manifest my soulmate (222 is apparently an angel number for partnership and love). at this stage of my life, i have much better things to worry about than my love life, but nothing hurts holding some expectation, right? linking to another tarot reading video i watched some time back (yes, okay, i like to watch these things for fun) which was so accurate i got goosebumps, the reader mentioned that in order to find the person i’ll have a fulfilling relationship with, i must not choose to reconnect with the old flame because that’ll delay everything good in my love life. as much as i want to deny it, a part of me still hopes that he’ll come back and make things right. not because he was good to me, but because i was truly myself with him.

while he wasn’t emotionally mature, our long-standing friendship ever since we were literal children made me extremely comfortable talking to him. in some way, it felt like i wasn’t talking to someone of the opposite gender. i was natural, unfiltered, and honestly me. we could banter without me having to read too much into his responses, and he genuinely seemed to enjoy conversing with me (until he didn’t LOL). and one big thing about me is that i absolutely HATE confrontation. if my friends didn’t respond at their normal speed, i would just leave questions to myself and use indirect ways of asking why. that was never the issue between me and d. if he was gone, i would just straight up ask him where he went to — he’d apologise and everything would be back to normal. while i don’t condone his excuses for ghosting me on multiple occasions after the high of reconnecting with an old friend wore off, he communicated pretty well at the start.

i guess what i’m trying to say is that i did not see the need to hold back whenever i was with him. there was never a need to overthink my words (up until i started falling for him yes) and it felt like a breath of fresh air. i didn’t need to be on defense mode when i was talking to him, because he got me the way i got him. it was definitely a friendship of a lifetime that i’ll never have the chance to experience again.

this morning, i read a piece by md on how first loves may shape expectations of future partners. while i can’t say for sure since i haven’t met anyone ever since, i know that deep down, a small chamber of my heart will continue to beat for my first love and what we could’ve had. having someone who had a long history with me as my first love definitely shifted my perspective of falling for someone from half-anxious, half-excited to downright fearful.

even without sharing a single detail, my teachers guessed right: i was the kind who goes all in when i find someone i like. for me, there’s no 50%, no 10% — just 100%. i put all my eggs in one basket, even if i know there’s a risk that my eggs may be used for scrambled eggs instead of the nurturing of young chicks. i guess my love style is reflective of my work style, and i can’t fault myself for wanting everything to be done using 100% of my capabilities. anything less? then i’m not doing it. one of my teachers cautioned against me loving that way, saying i should weigh my options and have that buffer so i don’t crash and burn every single time i face rejection, but how can i bear to deny a person i love of the affection i can share? what if, there’s only one boy for me?

my experience with boy d made me realise that i can’t win over someone with just my efforts. in some way, there has to be some mutual perspective on both ends. as a child, i always used to think that as long as i gave it my all, i could convince the people i value to stay in my life. and so i did that for the friendships that were falling apart (which were rarely my fault, looking back), said sorry even if i wasn’t in the wrong, did everything i could to get them to stay. you can guess that i did the same for him, and as boys always like to say — the moment a girl shows she’s desperate, it’s game over.

it’s on days like these that i wonder: will i ever be able to love anyone more than i loved d? what if he was my soulmate, but our timings were just wrong? do i just want him to be my soulmate?

i love the idea of romantic connection, having someone by your side through thick and thin, celebrating each other’s achievements like your own, but it’s the getting to know each other part that i dread experiencing. until i find the one for me, i’m expected to bare my soul, let someone in, and be vulnerable, even when i know it might not last a lifetime. i did that once, and i don’t think i’m able to do that again knowing how fast a person can go from a trusted friend (and someone i loved) to a stranger.

and i don’t think i have the confidence to see you in love with anyone else. because that would mean that she would know you better than i did, and you’ll let her. you’ll let down your walls, lean your head down close to her lips to hear her better, let out multiple laughs whenever she says something funny. you’ll introduce her to your two sisters i never got to meet, and get to know their names that i tried guessing on more occasions i’d like to admit. instead of us, it’ll be them. she’ll never have to worry about where she stands, or hear an excuse that you didn’t see her message, because you love her. maybe you’ll tell her a joke we shared, never quite remembering where exactly you learnt it from — because i never meant that much to you.

the best i can do is pretend, but as you know, i’m not exactly the best liar. i hope you’ll stay out of my sight, especially when you’re dating someone. when you find the one for you, i hope you do everything to keep her. and until the day i hear from a friend of a friend that you’re tying the knot, let’s never cross paths. and i’ll continue living in the bliss of ignorance.

because, you know, there was never an us to begin with.